How Do We Treat What We Can’t See?

"We can’t treat what we refuse to see." I have loved this quote by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, MD from the moment I first read it in her book, The Deepest Well. There are many great points made throughout this book, but this one in particular has really stayed with me. I am a trauma informed therapist, which has provided me with opportunities to witness my clients as they journey through creating change for themselves. Often times, there are roadblocks that will present along the way which challenge us to keep our eyes open to unhealthy cycles of toxicity that we often find ourselves in or being exposed to. It is vital to engage in healthy practices in order to keep ourselves safe and moving forward in a positive direction.

I understand how hard it can be to speak the unspeakable. To acknowledge what we are so scared to acknowledge. To, when possible, face who or what has hurt us knowing in that moment it is time to choose ourselves. Knowing that in choosing ourselves change is about to happen. Knowing that the change coming is essential for us to not just survive today, but to thrive tomorrow. Trauma and toxicity tend to keep us living in the past and roadblock us from creating movement in the present moment.

Choosing ourselves, creating change purposefully, and finding what our new healthy looks like is not an easy task. From the outside looking in, it may seem like a no-brainer. Often times I hear others reflect on the lack of understanding and validation they often receive from others when they are struggling to get out of toxic relationships because they “should just leave or set boundaries” if it is happening. But it is not so easy to put ourselves first even when our body communicates to us that it is time to do so. It is difficult to set boundaries that we have not yet been ready, or felt we had the strength, to do. It is difficult to acknowledge and experience the pain that trauma leaves behind. Trauma impacts us at a cellular level! It takes strength to open our eyes to its impact. It takes strength to open our eyes to the toxicity we may have been exposed to and it takes strength to choose ourselves and give ourselves permission to heal. *We can’t treat what we refuse to see.”

I have often been asked, "Isn’t it selfish to choose oneself over others?" What a great question that is and one which the answer varies based on the context of the situation. But when it comes to someone's continued exposure to abusive behavior or a toxic cycle in relationships then I would say with the utmost certainty that choosing oneself is not selfish. It is a difficult and necessary decision to make and one that is not often rushed. We can become comfortable in the misery of the expected…even if we do not approve or like it. But it is just that…expected!!! Creating change typically means we are moving in a direction that we have not yet gone before with no idea where it will lead us. Even if it leads to a healthy place; a healthy future can be a scary prospect if I have never looked upon it with own my eyes. “We can’t treat what we refuse to see.”

Many times, in family systems or in our social environments, trauma/abuse/toxicity is present, and the cycle has not been stopped or acknowledged. As a therapist, I often notice a pattern that people receive the message of, "For the sake of the system please do not choose you. Do not create waves. Do not create change or set boundaries or distance. Do not rock the boat.” What a position for anyone to feel placed in! If you have experienced something like this in your family system or social environments, then know you are not alone. It makes sense that disrupting the cycle would feel uncomfortable for everyone involved. There will always be someone whose needs are getting met in the unhealthy cycles of toxicity and they tend to have their eyes closed to it. “We can’t treat what we refuse to see.”

So, what do we do when we are surrounded by others who refuse to see and are not yet ready to open their eyes? How can we take care of ourselves if we find ourselves in situations similar to what I am describing? Below are some self-care tips when navigating our healing journey of change.

Create Support for Yourself:

If you find yourself in a situation where there is limited understanding and support, then seek it out! Find an individual therapist, try to connect with support groups, and process, process, process! Creating connections with others in healthy ways is important. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (in her book mentioned above) discusses that “We have the capacity to change our own and one another’s biology through connecting with others.” When we hug others, snuggle our children, have sex, and create intimacy “Oxytocin is released which is naturally produced by the body and is a powerful bonding hormone.” It is also a buffer that inhibits the body’s toxic stress response that happens when we experience trauma and stress. How awesome that we are capable of creating change for ourselves at a biological level!!!

Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries and Accept the Outcomes

Sometimes major boundaries are necessary, and communication needs to stop in order for us to be safe and have the space to find our healthy. Other times, space may not be necessarily needed, but instead setting emotional boundaries for ourselves is enough to create a healthy and safe space for us. Our bodies will communicate what is the right thing for us. I always revert back to a quote that I love about boundaries which states, "Boundaries are the space needed for me to be able to love someone else and love myself at the same time." Loving someone else does not always have to be a part of the boundary equation, but how we feel about ourselves is what the focus should be. The relationship we have with ourselves is one of the most important relationship we will have in life and it deserves to be nurtured. It may help to be prepared emotionally for the outcomes that setting boundaries with others may have. Having a coping statement can be helpful such as: “I can insist on my rights and still be a good person”, “I can find my healthy even if someone else is mad at me for creating change.” “Just because I am not receiving support from those whom I had hoped would support me, does not mean that I can not find support for myself moving forward.”

Get Active in Finding Your Healthy

Whether it is working out, eating nutritiously, exploring new hobbies, meeting new people, traveling, or meditating...whatever you can do to get active and connect with the world around you is a plus. When the world has (at times) not been a safe place, it is beneficial to create a sense of safety for ourselves while continuing to participate with the world around us. We do not have to isolate ourselves to remain safe. Movement and interaction with the external world are important and beneficial. The more we allow ourselves to see, the more we can treat. The more we explore and participate while creating safety; the more we witness our own strength.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.