We Are Our Own Greatest Healers
Over the years as a therapist, I often am confronted with many people who are in need of healing. Of course I do! That is the nature of couch time is it not? Too often when we are hurt by others, we tend to believe that our healing has to come externally through the accountability of those who have hurt us. Wouldn’t it be great if we always got what we wanted and needed? Do we need it in order to heal? It can take years to get to a place to where we recognize that we don’t and that our healing no matter how hard it is or traumatic our lives have been; it is our responsibility to do it for ourselves. We are our greatest healer!
Think of a time when someone has hurt you and you did not get the “I am sorry” that you needed. In cases such as this, it is hard to move forward and make sense out of how to heal, how to let go, and how to move forward. Even in cases when we are given the “I am sorry” the emotional pain or damage from what was done is still there. The “I am sorry” can be nice to hear but it is not necessary for our own healing and often does not pack the punch that we tell ourselves it will if we were to receive it. Lindsay C. Gibson identified these as “Healing Fantasies” in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. These are fantasies that we tell ourselves that we need in order to heal. But they are just fantasies because most of the time they do not come true. They do not often happen. But we are able in those moments and in those fantasies to be able to tap into a part of ourself and that part’s need for healing. The healing that packs the biggest punch is what we do for ourselves in the healing journey. It is in the internal experience rather than external. The hard work is being done by ourselves. We are challenged to go within, to the deepest, oldest wounded parts of self and to provide those parts their healing needs on our own instead of having someone else do it. What a job to do and what strength it takes for someone to be able to do the work for themselves. This is what therapy is all about!
I once read a book on Buddha and I can not remember which one it was that held space for our past selves in this way. It read something like, “the death of a baby is the birth of a toddler. The death of a toddler is the birth of an elementary student. The death of an elementary student is the birth of a pre-teen. The death of a pre-teen is the birth of a teenager” and so on. The many lives we live in our one life time and the many past selves we have; all those selves have their own stories, experiences, pain, suffering, and needs for healing.
If our childhood included abuse or neglect then it is most likely that our past selves did not get the nurturing they needed by the caregiver. Those past selves did not learn the tools necessary for healing because the abusive or neglectful caregivers did not demonstrate how to love, did not provide grace or understanding, did not demonstrate the important tools that can be modeled to us and for us to learn how to love ourselves and others. If we are not shown how then healing is even more difficult and complicated to do for ourselves. Also, our brains are not fully developed until we are 22 or 23 years old so if your parent or guardian abused, neglected, or abandoned you emotionally in your childhood then it is likely you were not even aware of what your emotional needs were at the time and all your past selves have needs that were not yet met. Not Yet Met! There is hope in the here and now that we can learn to go within ourselves and identify each part of us that has suffered, identify their needs, and explore healthy ways to meet those needs for ourselves. Healing is a complicated journey and one we are all capable of traveling when we are packed and ready to go.