Fill Your Own Cup: The Art of Practicing Care But Don’t Carry.

At a past continuing education event I was reminded that therapists are, “Story holders” and we need to “hold them well.” This has really stayed with me over the years as a practicing clinician and only adds to the importance and privilege that comes with being a therapist. As a therapist, I get to meet many awesome people, hear their stories, witness their strength, and learn and be challenged from them as well. I am often reminded in sessions to Care but not Carry when sitting face to face with the suffering of others and often not being able to take that pain away in that moment. This feeling can be a difficult one to experience and difficult not to pick up and carry with me. Sitting with someone in pain sounds easy enough but it is actually complicated, takes a lot of skill, and one of the most rewarding things that I get to do being a therapist. It is also an important responsibility that we have as humans. To not look, lean, or hide away from the suffering around us. What a skill: To not avoid the uncomfortable.

It brought me back to the idea (and we often hear it in the field) to fill our own cups. The idea here in case you have not heard this one, is that we all have our own cup and we need to add to it everyday with healthy things/coping skills. The goal is to work with a full cup. Everyday I am pouring my cup into other cups and my cup is constantly draining, which is why being mindful of keeping it filled is important. My cup is drained through paying bills, cleaning the house, meeting the needs of my children, being a supporting wife, and tackling the other demands of life that come my way. It is my responsibility to make sure I am working with a full cup so that I can function properly to support those around me. I can really feel it when I am working with an empty cup. Everything feels hard. It is exhausting and for most of us, it is too much!

So what are our choices and what can do we do to help ourselves? Well, we can work to fill up our own cup OR we can wait with the hope that our cup will be filled by someone else. To me, the latter of these two options is quite risky because we are then depending on someone else to be engaging in healthy practices, which we know is not always easy or the most comfortable thing to do. So filling our own cup is the safest bet.

Lately, I have been pondering the idea of, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and comparing it with the idea of “CARE but don’t CARRY.” What does it really mean to care but not carry? What do we do when we see someone with an empty cup but we do not have enough in our cup to pour into theirs? What if we are able to pour into their cup, but their cup is filled with holes, so pouring into their cup is a moot point? Stay with me here :)

I have often heard from others when speaking my truth and communicating my needs that emotionally they do not like what they are hearing and it upsets them emotionally. I assume hearing my viewpoint makes them feel uncomfortable, or it does not speak to their needs, or maybe they are reminded of the responsibility of filling their own cup! Maybe what they need is something in life and I am not able to produce or fulfill it for them in the way they deserve and need. These are all tall orders here!!! What can we do in these moments when we do CARE but we are not in a position to CARRY it? We often dont have control over the outcomes for others. We can't make others experience different emotions and we have little control over how their bodies are responding to the stress of situations. How we wish we could create the needed change quickly for them and take away their pain and discomfort in the moment!! If only this was possible.

These instances will present themselves. Whether you are a therapist or not-they will happen. Instances where we are unable to pour into others cups or even when we try the result will not be immediate or work the way we want it to. When this happens, it helps to remind ourselves of the importance of not always fixing it for others. When we always fix it for others, they may not gain the tools to learn how to fix it themselves. Then they will not gain the confidence or problem solving skills to know that they are capable of doing their own fixing and filling. It is in these moments when my role is not fixer but supporter, guide, and someone to encourage.

I love witnessing someone learn that they can make things better for themselves with a few changes and that they are capable of learning new skills to create the desired change they want in their lives. To witness someone learn how to patch those holes in their cup so that their cup can stay filled (if they choose to fill it) is something I never tire of. The cherry on top is then witnessing them support and encourage others who maybe struggling to fill their own cup because their cup is lined with holes created by life stressors and toxic stress/childhood adversity. Sometimes having someone believe in us and our abilities when we can’t is exactly what is needed. The cycle of good things can then continue and healthy energy is sent and received. *How Amazing* People supporting people!

To bring this blog around full circle here, what I am getting at is that we have cups that need to be filled and stay filled if we can help it. Some of our cups are lined with holes due to trauma. Sometimes we can fill our own cup, sometimes we can fill the cup of others, and sometimes all we can do is sit back and support/encourage others and help them find ways to patch their cups so that they can start filling their own. As a therapist, I am often asked for advice and typically my response is, “I can not tell you what to do. What do you think you should do? I choose to be here with you while you navigate how to figure it out and I can provide guidance and tools to help along the way.”

I believe that people can figure it out when given the right circumstances such as support, encouragement, someone believing in them when they can not do so for themselves, and a safe place to explore and navigate their thoughts and feelings along the way. I can CARE but not CARRY in an effort to lift someone else up and let them discover their own strength, resilience, and abilities. Witness them tackle obstacles that maybe have felt not achievable. Witness them speak the unspeakable from their past which has haunted them. Witness them gain the confidence that life took from them in times of stress and trauma. In the meantime, I will be sure to keep filling my own cup with healthy practices. I will cover many examples of healthy practices in blogs that will be coming your way soon. :)